I'm so silly

Nehemiah picked out his clothes this morning, went into the bathroom and came out giggling. He thought it would be funny to dress wrong. He said, "Mommy, I'm so silly!! I need to go back and fix my clothes"

I thought it was rather cute that he was being silly. (He does know how to get himself dressed...and has been for awhile....he did this on purpose)

A tough subject

Suicide

What do you think when you hear that word?

Do you think of it as a game?

Maybe an escape?

Does a tear come to your eye as you think of someone who has killed themselves?

We've all wondered if we died today who would miss us.

Who would cry.

Would people go on like nothing happened?

Maybe you've even wondered how you'd die.

Maybe you've thought about ending your own life.

You've thought about how to do it...planned it...decided it was time.

You were done.

But you stopped.

Why?

Maybe someone caught you.

Maybe you realized it will get better.

Maybe you got scared.

Did you wonder how people would feel if you went through with it?

I can tell you how they'd feel.

They'd cry...a lot.

When they think of you.

On your birthday.

The anniversary of your death.

When they see a picture of you.

When a sad some comes on in the car.

When they're in church, singing about Heaven, knowing that's where you are waitin on them.

And they get mad.

They wonder why they weren't enough.

Mad that they couldn't stop you.

Mad that you made such a horrible mistake.

And they hurt.

They want you here.

They need you here.

They wonder how you'd have changed.

If you'd have more kids.

What you'd be driving.

Wondering if you'd be happy.

If you'd have been taller?

Wondering why they weren't enough.

Couldn't we make you happy?

Didn't you want to see your child, your neices, nephews, grow up?

You'd leave a dog that will miss you.

A Mom

A Dad

Sisters

brothers

friends

family

me

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wonder who people see when they look at me.

Do they see a Mother, with three little ones.

A wife, who is trying her hardest to be submissive.

A sister, who is missing a sibling.

Do they look at me and think, "There is the woman who is living in a hotel"

Do they think I'm happy, sad, hurt, confused.

We are who we are because of those who are in our lives. Without Alex, I wouldn't be a wife.

Without Nehemiah, Virginia and Jana, I wouldn't be a Mom.

Without my parents, I wouldn't be a daughter.

Without Stephanie, Nicole, Joseph, Jason, Jordan and Jesse, I wouldn't be a sister.

Without Micah, Adaliah, Jadyn, and Titus, I wouldn't be an Aunt.

Earlier tonight I dropped my brother off at the school and saw a girl, and I wondered if she knew Jason, and wondered if she looked at me as a girl who lost her brother.

Thing is, I didn't lose my brother, I know where he is. I KNOW I'll see him again. It was a terrible day that Jason left this World, but he's rejoicing and waiting.

But still I wonder, have people forgotten him? Or do they look at me with pity?

Do they look at me and wonder if I've lost my mind for having a 3 year old, a 2 year old and a 6 month old.

I hear so many negative comments about having children that close that people don't stop to hear that I love it. I cannot imagine my life without these three blessings.

Do people see that I adore my husband? Do they notice that I struggle to be a better wife? Can they tell that he makes me so happy, but he's also the one who could break my heart if he wanted to.

Do people pity me, or are they jealous? Can they see the bags under my eyes from staying up too late, worrying about things that will wait until tomorrow. Can they tell that I was up countless times with my kids, because they need me, they're hungry, thristy, in need of the bathroom?

Or....do they see me? A Wife, a Mom, a Sister, cousin, friend, aunt, daughter-in-law, neice, a person who needs loved.