Saturday, April 4, 2009


After Josh died my entire family got packages in the mail. They were from Josh's best friend, Richard. Richard was someone we'd always known. He was Josh's best friend growing up. He was Josh's neighbor growing up. He was Josh's best man. Now he's sending manilla envolopes to Josh's family, because he wants to write a book on Josh. I'll admit, I havent opened mine yet. I dont know what to write. I'd had it for several weeks now, and it's just sitting there. I dont want to admit Josh is gone. I can still pretend he's in Texas, and he just hasnt called in awhile. I can pretend my Aunt, Uncle, and cousin Keith's lives havent been ruined by this, until, I am with them. Josh is a contant name on their lips. His dead affects Joni alot. Because of this, she calls Keith, ALL.THE.TIME. Do I blame her? No. Would I do the same? Yes.
I look at my 9 month old son and think "Where did Josh's life go so wrong? Where did he go from a lil baby that was so loved, to growing up and somebody murdering him" And I have no answers for myself. Nowhere did Josh go "wrong." He fell in love. He moved to TX to be with a girl. Who knew that would get him killed? Who knew just 2 short months after she killed him, she'd be back on the streets again. Awaiting trial. A trial that won't come until Oct.
Never once has God been blamed. That is what I love about my family. We don't pull away from God, we draw closer to Him. He had a reason for taking Josh. Maybe Grandma wanted her "Joshy" with her in Heaven. Maybe God needed Josh. Maybe...maybe...maybe....
There will always be a maybe, and for now there are no answers...only questions

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